Part of Your World...

Or why I suffer from Achievement Dysmorphia.

Happy 2022! (It’s still January, I can still say that).

It’s a sunny, snowy day in Brooklyn and I’ve got my HeatTech on and the space heater going, even though we have perfectly adequate heat in our condo. But the windows—blarg. They are still quite drafty. That’s the price we pay for tons of sunlight, which helps in the dead of winter.

Last week I posted on LinkedIn about my January doldrums and how it’s affected my ability to write this month. (As many of you know—because you supported my publishing campaign—thank you—I’m writing a fantasy novel steeped in Indian mythology tentatively titled Agneya of Salt and Flame, the full draft of which is due by the end of February…!!!). I’m feeling a combination of (maybe) SAD, self-defeating thoughts like I should be done writing a book by now (After less than one year? Hello, unreasonable expectations of myself???), and self-sabotaging thoughts like, “Am I being selfish for pursuing this goal?”

Wow, talk about Achievement Dysmorphia* as a recipe for FAILURE. I’m stuck.

This all started right after 1 January, when I sent off my CV and cover letter for a DEI role at my dream company, Disney. And in case you’re wondering why I say that about “The Mouse,” as a teenager, I identified with “Part of Your World” (from The Little Mermaid) so strongly that it remains part of my DNA to this very day. NOT because of the romantic keening with which Ariel sings (though my first boyfriend, Dave, did look a lot like Prince Eric), but because she was part of an identity group that could never belong to the one where she perceived her success to lie.

Get it?

Brown girl (me) trying to fit into a (male-dominated) white world, whether in:

• High school physics class – Trying to prove my intelligence and figure out what the hell the male teacher meant when he used the sweet spot of a baseball bat for Every.  F*cking. Example.

• High school cheerleading squad – The only brown girl on a team of white girls who bullied me all the time. Plus, girls in the service of boys’ sports teams… ‘nuff said.

• High school theater club – All the theater we did was by white male playwrights and about white spaces, and I lacked the lived experience to understand the value of any of it. There was one other Indian girl (Hey Surabhi!), and of course I perceived her as a competitor, which sucks and is on me. Though it was fun to be Hot Box dancers together.

• Masters of Science program – “What? A brown person who does NOT want to be a doctor?? Why are you here??”

• Master of Arts program – “Wait, aren’t you and Sanchita the same person?” There were literally only two non-white people in an entire building of 28 students. WTF?

• Christie’s – “Wait, aren’t you and Lolita the same person?” SERIOUSLY? You can’t confuse me with Anita, my super-tall admin dripping with diamonds? (Ohhh, I see it).

… So why would any recruiter, especially my dream company, want me? I’ve been an imposter my whole life, somehow worming my way into spaces I don’t belong. Why would a place like Disney want me??

You think this would get better as I got older and learned to assert myself but guess what? Identifying these experiences as instances of (micro-/macro-)aggressions in hindsight does not give me the tools to fight it in the current moment. Unfortunately, that will still take practice.

And it starts with myself. Being kinder to myself. Deciding those voices in my head are from people who underestimated me, misjudged me, and are just plain wrong about me. They are not the truth. Understanding that I am doing something important and meaningful: I’m finally creating a work of art, as I’ve wanted to do my whole life. To paraphrase Lupita Nyong’o’s 2014 Oscar acceptance speech, my dreams are valid.

So I will continue to work on the dream that is in my control, to finish this book and get it out into the world. And I will continue to put myself out there for DEI and culture advocacy roles in media and entertainment. And I will continue to practice self-compassion and know that I have a lot to offer the next organization with whom I partner.

Congratulations on making it through January, y’all. 

Hobson-Jobson Word of Month:

Mogul, derived from Mughal: Started by Bābur, a descendant of Genghis Khan, the Muslim Mughal dynasty ruled much of India from the early 16th century to the mid-18th century. The Mughals (whose name was simplified to “Mogul” by the British colonizers) were known for their talented and powerful rulers (called "Great Mughals"), so it's no surprise that in English the word mogul came to denote a powerful person, as in today's familiar references to "media moguls."

Valmiki’s Vahana:

1. Saturn's 'Death Star' moon could have a secret underground ocean

2. Serious Eats’ Ode to Dahi

3. Why Narendra Modi Presents Himself as a Guru

What Am I Reading:

• *Jaime Ellis’s Achievement Dysmorphia really hit home this month. It helped me find some of the language to frame the circular thoughts running through my head. 

• 𝙍𝙞𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙤𝙛 𝙂𝙤𝙙𝙨 – A 2004 science fiction novel by British writer Ian McDonald. It depicts a futuristic India in 2047, a century after its independence from Britain, characterized both by ancient traditions and advanced technologies such as artificial intelligences, robots, and nanotechnology. 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗵𝗮𝘀 𝗯𝗲𝗲𝗻 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽𝗳𝘂𝗹 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗿𝘆𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝗳𝗶𝗴𝘂𝗿𝗲 𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝗺𝘂𝗰𝗵 𝗛𝗶𝗻𝗱𝗶 and 𝗦𝗮𝗻𝘀𝗸𝗿𝗶𝘁 𝗜 𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗶𝘁𝗮𝗹𝗶𝗰𝗶𝘇𝗲 𝗼𝗿 𝗱𝗶𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝗶𝗻 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝘆, 𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝘅𝗽𝗹𝗮𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝘆 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗲𝗿, 𝗶𝗻 𝗺𝘆 𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗻𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗹. 𝗚𝘂𝗲𝘀𝘀 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁? 𝗠𝘆 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝘀𝗺𝗮𝗿𝘁! 𝗧𝗵𝗲𝘆'𝗹𝗹 𝗳𝗶𝗴𝘂𝗿𝗲 𝗶𝘁 𝗼𝘂𝘁 😉 PS: It does not escape my attention that I am seeking external validation from a white European male writer about my own culture. Another way to look at it is Ian as an experienced translator between two languages. 

• Beyond Diversity – I know, I know, silly to re-read a book to which I was a contributing author, right? But I will be writing a series on digestible take-aways from the book, so I need to make my notes!

What Am I Watching:

• Ted Lasso – We just finished season 2 last night. My favorite episode is where Ted plays darts in the bar. The speech he gave about being underestimated his whole life, about people being judgmental instead of curious about him, resonated with me. I’ve been on both sides of that situation, maybe because during my childhood, I was surrounded by judgment and didn’t know how to diffuse that by being curious. I can’t believe I was today years old when I learned that from Jason Sudeikis. 

• Lego Masters – Our whole family watches this reality LEGO-building show. We love seeing what new challenges the contestants face, and root for our favorite builds. Plus Will Arnett is a HOOT. Just wish they’d have a more even split of men and women competitors. C’mon Plan B, you can do this!